Sleep and Bipolar

i can't sleep. it's 3:54am.

*I've been awake for 36 hours. Studies show a lack of sleep or an inability of sleep may be a precursor to mania or depression. I will add studies/articles as I find them. According to my moodscope chart, I am in a depressive cycle. I felt manic last night...determined to see the sunrise. I've decided my best sleep pattern would be from 7am - 2pm. That would be 7 hours of sleep and I could see both the sunrise and the sunset. Is this logical thinking? I don't think so. But it makes sense to me at this moment. I believe I'm experiencing a Mixed State brought on by taking the generic, non-time released Seroquel XR. Tonight, if I don't feel sleepy, I will take a larger dose of the Seroquel. I don't know if my sharing this is helpful or not. I may go back to sharing information from other sources and discontinue sharing my own experiences. I'm not sure what I'm comfortable with at this time.



Mixed episodes of bipolar disorder are defined by symptoms of mania and depression that occur at the same time, or in rapid sequence.

• Mania in mixed episodes usually involves irritability, racing thoughts and speech, and overactivity or agitation.
• Depression in mixed bipolar disorder is similar to "regular" depression, with feelings of sadness, loss of interest in activities, low energy, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide.

This may seem impossible -- how can someone be manic and depressed at the same time? Because mixed manic episodes are a form of mental illness, they defy any predictable pattern of feelings or behavior.
For example, a person in a mixed manic episode could be crying uncontrollably while announcing they have never felt better in their life. Or they could be exuberantly happy, only to suddenly collapse in misery. A short while later they might suddenly return to an ecstatic state.
Mixed manic episodes can last from days to weeks or sometimes months, if untreated. Mixed episodes may recur and recovery can be slower than during episodes of "pure" bipolar depression or "pure" mania or hypomania.

The most serious risk of mixed bipolar disorder is suicide. People with bipolar disorder are 10 to 20 times more likely to commit suicide than people without bipolar disorder. Tragically, 8% to 20% of people with bipolar disorder eventually lose their lives to suicide.
Evidence shows that during mixed episodes, people may be at even higher risk for suicide than people in episodes of bipolar depression.
Treatment reduces the likelihood of serious depression and suicide. Lithium in particular, taken long term, reduces the risk.
People with bipolar disorder are also at higher risk for substance abuse. Nearly 60% of people with bipolar disorder abuse drugs or alcohol. Substance abuse is associated with more severe or poorly controlled bipolar disorder.

What Are the Treatments for Mixed Episodes of Bipolar Disorder?

Mixed manic episodes generally require treatment with medication. Unfortunately, mixed episodes are more difficult to control than other episode types of bipolar disorder. The main drugs used to treat mixed manic episodes are mood stabilizers and antipsychotics.
Mood Stabilizers
While lithium is often considered a gold standard treatment for mania, it is thought to be less effective when mania and depression occur simultaneously, as in a mixed episode. Lithium has been used for more than 60 years to treat bipolar disorder. It can take weeks to work fully, making it better for maintenance treatment than for acute manic episodes. Blood levels of lithium must be monitored to avoid side effects.
Depakote is an antiseizure medication that also levels out moods. It has a more rapid onset of action, and in some studies has been shown to be more effective than lithium for the treatment of mixed episodes.  Depakote is also sometimes used "off-label" for prevention of mixed manic episodes.
Some other antiseizure drugs, such as Tegretol, are also effective mood stabilizers.
Antipsychotics
Many atypical antipsychotic drugs are effective, FDA-approved treatments for mixed episodes.  These include Zyprexa, Abilify, risperidone, Seroquel, Geodon, and Saphris.  Antipsychotic drugs are also sometimes used alone or in combination with mood stabilizers for preventive treatment.
Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT)
Despite its frightening reputation, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) is an effective treatment for mixed manic episodes. ECT can be helpful if medication fails or can't be used.
Treatment for Depression in Mixed Bipolar Disorder
Common antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil have been shown to worsen mania symptoms during mixed episodes without necessarily improving depressive symptoms. Most experts therefore advise against using antidepressants during mixed episodes. Mood stabilizers (particularly Depakote), as well as atypical antipsychotic drugs, are considered the first-line treatments for mixed episodes.
Mixed episodes of bipolar disorder often involve recurrences of mixed, manic, or depressed phases of illness. Therefore, it is usually recommended that medications be continued in an ongoing fashion to prevent relapses.

http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/mixed-bipolar-disorder


BIPOLAR AND SLEEP

What may surprise you is that reduced sleep isn't just a symptom of mania - a short night can actually precipitate manic and hypomanic episodes. Studies have found that 25 to 65 percent of bipolar patients who had a manic episode had experienced a social rhythm disruption prior to the episode. "Social rhythm disruption" is some disturbance in routine affecting the sleep/wake cycle; it can be as simple as staying up extra late to watch a movie on television or getting wrapped up in an interesting online chat session, or as serious as being unable to sleep due to a family member's serious illness or death. "For reasons we have yet to learn, people with bipolar disorder seem to have more delicate internal clock mechanisms," said Dr. Ellen Frank, co-author of one of the studies. And once a sleep-deprived person has gone into mania, if he then feels less need for sleep (parasomnia) and, by staying awake perhaps 20 or more hours a day, is actually contributing to making the mania worse.
Some scientists believe that the reason the incidence of bipolar disorder has risen in modern times is the development of bright artificial light. Once upon a time, most people's sleep/wake cycles were regulated by the sun. Artificial light changed all that, and made it more likely that people who have a genetic predisposition toward bipolar disorder would actually develop the condition.
Interestingly, 85% of patients with unipolar depression report that they suffer from insomnia, even though bipolar patients tend to experience hypersomnia - excessive sleeping - during depressive episodes. Hypersomnia is also a characteristic of Seasonal Affective Disorder - along with decreased quality of sleep, which is also found in depressive patients, whether insomniac or hypersomniac. This poor-quality sleep can, in turn, lead to fibromyalgia, a painful, nondegenerative muscle disorder. All these patients can benefit from good "sleep hygiene" - a disciplined regularizing of sleep/wake hours. Depressed patients and those with fibromyalgia are also often treated with antidepressants such as amitriptyline and trazodone, which have sedating effects.
Patients suffering from insomnia and hypersomnia are told to go to bed at the same time each day, and get up at the same time. Naps are forbidden. Insomniacs should not stay in bed if they can't sleep, but are to get up at the same time no matter how little sleep they have had. Hypersomniacs are advised to gradually reduce the amount of time spent sleeping to a normal amount by using an alarm clock.
Preliminary studies indicate that aggressive readjustment of the sleep/wake cycle may be of particular help for treatment-resistant rapid cycling bipolar disorder. Such therapy may begin by enforcing complete light and sound deprivation for as many as 14 hours per night, which can be gradually reduced once the patient's moods are seen to stabilize.
Doctors point out the need to involve the patient's family in the effort to regularize the sleep/wake cycle. Family members should be taught about the patient's vulnerability to changes in daily routine. After all, a husband's "Oh, honey, I know the party will last all night but can't we do it just this once?" could send "honey" straight into a manic episode. Family members also need to learn the signs of an episode's onset, whether manic, hypomanic or depressive, and be prepared to intervene before the mood swing becomes full-blown.
If you or a loved one suffer from any type of mood disorder, pay attention to the sleep/wake patterns of the person involved. If you identify insomnia, hypersomnia, poor-quality sleep and/or reduced need for sleep, this should be brought to your/your loved one's doctor's attention right away. Treating the sleep disorder is very likely to improve the mood disorder, too.

http://bipolar.about.com/cs/sleep/a/0002_mood_sleep.htm

Hope

Update on Meds

Seroquel XR is the time release version of Seroquel and the one my doctor gave me samples of. They worked amazingly well. When I ran out of the samples, I called my doc and asked him to call in a prescription for me, which he did. I am uninsured and Seroquel SR costs over $200/mo for me. Because of that, I am taking the generic Seroquel, not Seroquel XR. Last night was the first night taking the new pills and I can tell a difference. My mood went from a consistent 50+ on Moodscope graph to 43 tonight. I'm really disappointed. I'm sharing this to say, if you are thinking about taking Seroquel XR, and either have insurance or can afford the cost of the extended release XR Seroquel, I suggest doing so. As always, talk to your doc.

Fun.: Carry On (ACOUSTIC)

 http://manicmuses.wordpress.com/

Stephen Fry has revealed that he attempted suicide in 2012 while he was filming abroad, saying it was a "close-run thing".

Fry, who was saved by his producer, made his revelation to the shocked audience during recording for comedian Richard Herring's Leicester Square Theatre Podcast, transcribed on the British Comedy Guide website.
He said on his Twitter feed that the conversation with Herring was "intimate". "He somehow made me open up," he added.
He told Herring: "It was a close-run thing. I took a huge number of pills and a huge (amount) of vodka and the mixture of them made my body convulse so much that I broke four ribs, but I was still unconscious.
"And, fortunately, the producer I was filming with at the time came into the hotel room and I was found in a sort of unconscious state and taken back to England and looked after."

Richard Herring got Fry to "open up" during recording of the podcast

Fry, 55, who is president of the mental health charity Mind, has spoken openly about his struggle with bipolar disorder.
Sufferers are prone to drastic mood swings which can see them veering from hyperactive positivity to deep depression.
The actor, writer and comedian told Herring: "I am the victim of my own moods, more than most people are perhaps, in as much as I have a condition which requires me to take medication so that I don't get either too hyper or too depressed to the point of suicide."
Speaking about the suicide attempt, he added: "This is the first time I've said this in public, but I might as well.
"I'm president of Mind, and the whole point in my role, as I see it, is not to be shy and forthcoming about the morbidity and genuine nature of the likelihood of death amongst people with certain mood disorders."
In an attack on the stigma of mental health problems, Fry attempted to convey to non-sufferers the lack of reasoning behind depression.
He explained: "There is no 'why', it's not the right question. There's no reason. If there were a reason for it, you could reason someone out of it, and you could tell them why they shouldn't take their own life."
Paul Farmer, chief executive of Mind, welcomed Fry's outpouring, telling Sky News: "We have to praise Stephen for his very candid and honest conversation about his own experience.
"We hope and we know this is very helpful for many people who experience bipolar disorder."
He added: "We need to remove the stigma that exists around mental illness and people in the public eye can make a big difference to doing that."
Mr Farmer said he was confident Fry now had the right support mechanisms in place, pointing to a second tweet the star posted soon after his revelation.
"Thank you all for your concern. As Pres of @mindcharity I could only tell truth if asked directly. Now fine. On good meds. Love to you all x," Fry wrote on Twitter.
Rachel Kirby-Rider from the Samaritans also welcomed the fact that the actor had decided to speak openly about his problems.
Referring to research the charity carried out last year showing men are three times more likely to take their own lives than women, she told Sky News: "With men we do find it's something they find very difficult to talk about, to burden their friends or family or open up to people close.
"Even Stephen Fry has gone on record saying talking to strangers and organisations like the Samaritans can be very helpful for people … talking to someone removed from the situation can be a very good way of starting to address the issues you may have."
Fry previously attempted suicide after walking out of the West End play Cell Mates in 1995 - an event he recounted in a documentary for BBC2 called The Secret Life Of The Manic Depressive.

Ruby Wax - 'Sane New World' [HD] All In The Mind, ABC RN

Hope

  The following post was found here: http://blog.nami.org/2013/06/providing-hope-through-music.html

Providing Hope through Music

By Kyrsten Roseman and Kourtney Roseman

Adversity has a way of refining a soul. The hands of despair and pain reach inside and although grieve you, they also somehow renew. I am sure to some that sounds a bit dark but ponder for a moment all your past struggles and proceed to ask yourself, “How did that affect me?” Most likely the answer is: strength. Our trials make us stronger. The battles revive our yearning to be victorious; to overcome.
Watching our father, Glen, walk the rigorous journey of mental illness has cultivated a drive to be artists of honesty. We, The Rosies, have no interest in sugar coating our lyrics just to satiate the popular opinion. However, we are passionate about depicting the human condition in its entirety. Joy and sadness, blight and strain, happiness and sorrow are all part of life and each of those emotions wind their way through our music.
Mental illness is a serious matter, far too often silenced and/or ignored. The time is now to rise up and speak out. Together, we wrote “Silently Suffering” to be an anthem for the many people struggling. The song begins with a portrayal of the early stages of depression, progresses into a life fraught with loneliness, builds into a bridge of encouragement and support, and ends with the hope that no one has to face affliction alone. The depth of this composition is credited to mental illness and the difficult but successful life our father and family have endured.

Many times, losing ourselves is the greatest fear. You hide behind drugs or alcohol for fear that medication will change you or take away your artistry and vigor. We have poignant reason to believe that outlook is false. Our father has not only been a poster child for faithfulness and dedication to staying well but has also maintained his creative mind. Working every day in a company he and our mother, Joyce, developed proves your gifts and talents are valuable. Strung up, a line of recycled guitar string jewelry has become an engine for change, a vessel for awareness. We are advocates for mental illness and herald our support by wearing and sharing the jewelry. A portion of all proceeds are donated to our non-profit, Concerts of Hope and every performance is just another platform to spread the word.

As Aldous Huxley said “After silence, that which comes closest to expressing the inexpressible is music.” We whole-heartedly agree. Music should be robust with depth, meaning and substance. We believe our talent is not only our voices or writing, but our ability to relate, reach out, and remind our listeners that light will filter in, darkness will not last, and hope is every bit tangible and alive.

https://www.moodscope.com/chart/58716/16498/41423b0efc

i wanted to share a useful tool i've found to track my moods. it's free and you can share your graph if you want. you can also leave notes. the link above should take you to my graph and you should be able to sign up from there. i take my graph with me to my doc appts. hope you find this helpful.

ps - just wanted to make note that I have been on Seroquel for about a week and i believe the effects can be seen on the graph. Whereas the Lamictal stabilized my mood somewhat, at 300 mg. it began to chop off the highs but not touch the lows. Adding the Seroquel brought my mood up where it belongs. This is the combination of drugs that is working for me now. I am not suggesting this will work for anyone else. It's just the combo that is currently working for me as evidenced by the graph.

If you are interested in Seroquel, here is a link to their site. No, I don't work for them. But it has made a major difference in my life. Talk to your doctor if you think it might help. It helped me with the depressive cycle of Bipolar. It did make me very sleepy and drowsy for the first 3 days, but was worth it for the way I feel now. Good luck! =)

Ben Howard - Keep Your Head Up

Clarification, Information and Suicide Prevention

Above I stated that I am no longer updating this blog. I feel the need to clarify that, as obviously I am adding things here and there as it applies to bipolar or recovery/addiction. I am not, however, adding anything of a personal nature to this blog. Rather, I would like it to be used as an educational tool and perhaps a source of strength and understanding as someone who is bipolar and in recovery.

I have thought about sharing my bipolar story much like I did my recovery story. That's still brewing around in this crazy brain of my.  :) Until then, or if, please take solace in knowing you are never alone. If you feel alone, reach out to your local NAMI organization, call a friend, your pastor or priest, family member or any Mental Health organization in your area.

IF you are feeling suicidal or feeling so depressed that you think the world would be better off without you, call a SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE. Below is a link to the International Suicide Prevention website where you will find the number based on your country/state. Click the link and then click your country.

http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

USA Hotline:  800-273-TALK (8255)
                        800-799-4TTY (4889)

http://twloha.com/find-help



Fears vs. Dreams from To Write Love on Her Arms. on Vimeo.


Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for AA membership. Their primary purpose is to help people stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.

The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems. They believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery. There are no dues. Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics.

Narcotics Anonymous is an international, community-based association of recovering drug addicts with more than 43,900 weekly meetings in over 127 countries worldwide. Today, NA is well established throughout much of the Americas, Western Europe, Australia and New Zealand, with newly formed groups throughout the Indian subcontinent, Africa, East Asia, the Middle East and Eastern Europe.

Nar-Anon members are relatives and friends who are concerned about the addiction or drug problems of another. The Nar-Anon Family Group is for those who know or have known a feeling of desperation due to the addiction problem of someone close to them. Nar-Anon members share their experiences, strength and hope at weekly meetings.

In The Rooms is an online global recovery community for people seeking help, in recovery or are friends and family of people in recovery. In The Rooms offers a free database on their website of anonymous 12-step meetings available all over the world, as well as forums with message boards where members can connect with one another in recovery.

dgracehall@gmail.com

*the following article is by Vivien Brunning - her blog, Manic Muses, can be found here.

Mental Healthcare Benefits Under the Affordable Care Act

With the imminent arrival of the already-much-loathed DSM 5 and my thoughts more frequently turning to moving back to the US (I currently live in The Netherlands), I’ve been thinking a lot about what a move would/will mean for my mental healthcare.

By the time I return, the Affordable Care Act (AKA ‘ObamaCare’) will have gone live. I never paid much attention to the finer points. I will probably never have to opt in, but would still like to be educated about the peaks and pitfalls. In the last
English: Barack Obama signing the Patient Prot...

two weeks there has been a spate of articles on the topic in mental-health-related publications, so now is as good a time as any to get the skinny. A lot of noise is (again) being made in the right-wing media on the subject. Since the GOP BS Machine has been known to spout incorrect rhetoric, I wanted my own answers.

For starters, I went directly to The White House. Well, the blog, anyway. There I found an entry by Kathleen Sebelius, the US Secretary of Health and Human Services, that was cross-posted from the HHS (Health and Human Services) blog. While the majority of the April 10, 2013 entry talks to gun violence prevention, there is a paragraph that addresses the Affordable Care Act and mental illness coverage:

The President’s [2014] budget builds on the historic advances we have made to close the gaps that left too many Americans with behavioral health problems uninsured and underinsured. Beginning in 2014, the Affordable Care Act will provide access to quality health care that includes coverage for mental health and substance use disorder services. All new small group and individual private market plans will be required to cover mental health and substance use disorder services as part of the health care law’s Essential Health Benefits categories, and behavioral health benefits will be covered at parity with medical and surgical benefits. Also in 2014, insurers will no longer be able to deny anyone coverage because of a pre-existing behavioral health condition. The Affordable Care Act has already ensured that new health plans cover recommended preventive benefits without cost sharing, including depression screening for adults and adolescents and behavioral assessments for children.

Underline is mine, and a point that had nagged at me. Both the GOP and some psychiatric publications have stated that under the Affordable Care Act, mental healthcare would not be covered by the Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act of 2008 (MHPAEA). They are wrong. Thankfully.

As I continued to read, I delved further into more views of those in the crazy-biz. Three themes kept emerging:

Under the Affordable Care Act, mental health benefits will differ state to state.
The American Psychiatric Association has already written a letter to The Department of Health and Human Services over concerns that states would judge network adequacy for psychiatrists included in QHP [qualified health plans] networks on the basis of the number of psychiatrists in a network, as opposed to the number of days it takes for a patient to get an appointment with a psychiatrist.”
If your doc prescribes a drug that is not in ‘the formulary,’ patients are certainly free to file an appeal (much the way most insurance companies demand today) so it will be covered. “The HHS declined to order formularies in QHPs to adhere to the Medicare Part D requirement that all drugs in 6 “protected” categories be available. Those 6 include antidepressants and antipsychotics.”

Combine the info from the first and third bullet points, and the sum is that one state may offer access to 250 ‘covered’ drugs while another could offer over 700.

It is worth noting that those three points above are being broadcast by a constituency that has a lot of skin in the game. And, nothing above is surprising, really. Typical red tape you’d expect to come across when dealing with any insurance plan. So, it’s understandable why mental healthcare workers aren’t enchanted with these things.

To be fair, I did visit a few right-wing/I Hate ObamaCare news sites and blogs as well. While I was looking for info specifically related to opinions on the Affordable Care Act as it pertains to mental illness coverage, there was a pervasive undercurrent of a lack of understanding of how the US Federal Government works in general. I state this not for any partisan reason, but to call out that I am suspect of the information I was able to uncover. Basically, the takeaway from those sites I visited is that expanded mental health coverage under the Affordable Care Act will put a serious strain on mental healthcare providers, due to the approximately 60 million new patients who will become eligible for mental health treatment. The CEO of behavioral health services for the Henry Ford Health System stated that the influx of new patients from the health law would strain the nation’s mental health workforce. “We now worry that we [will] have the providers and the delivery system to take care of them,” I could find no mention of how those opposed to the Affordable Care Act would remedy this particular problem.

Finally, I visited NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). They provide a very useful FAQ and downloads to help those with mental illness navigate the coming changes the Affordable Care Act will bring. One item I am particularly happy to see is a Policy Maker’s Toolkit. For the laypeople among us, it’s a small glimpse into the considerations that need to be made when making mental health policy decisions.

Bottom line: I was expecting to find at least some controversial ‘stuff’ when researching this topic. Truthfully, I found nothing I didn’t already expect. The worst thing that I can see from the amount of research I had the time to do is the Affordable Care Act does not set a nationwide, uniform standard for determining what kind of coverage benefits each level should include. That decision will be left to the states, a point of concern to some healthcare-advocacy groups. Quite frankly, it is a concern of mine as well.

In the end, let’s not forget this is a fledgeling program, and like the 787, it’s going to need to work out the kinks so it can truly fly. From a personal perspective, I am happy 60+ million Americans will finally have access to mental healthcare.

It’s about time.

One Mind For Research Interview With Glenn Close

Anis Mojgani performs Shake the Dust at HEAVY AND LIGHT

Interview with Marya Hornbacher

  http://www.askabipolar.com/65-marya-interview/

Interview with Author Marya Hornbacher

It was our great pleasure to be able to interview the most AWESOME and inspirational author, Marya Hornbacher. Here’s how it went down …

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CHRISTI: In both Wasted and Madness, you discuss some painful memories (physically and emotionally), was that therapeutic, or do you think that remembering those things were triggers and kept “fueling the fire”.
MARYA: Neither, actually. It certainly wasn’t therapeutic in the sense one might expect, viz. it didn’t feel like catharsis, and there was no sense of unburdening myself of a psychic weight. But writing about these things also didn’t fuel the fire. It was simply very painful at times—particularly in writing Wasted—to remember the history, and really very instructive at other times, particularly w/re: Madness, to put the pieces together on the page.
CHRISTI: Of all the therapies, medications, doctors, and procedures you have experienced (you discussed quite a few in your book Madness), what have you found to be the most effective in terms of managing your bipolar?
MARYA: A combination of excellent professional support from a psychiatrist and therapist, a regimen of medication that is constantly being tweaked to adjust as my brain chemistry shifts (as brain chemistry just does), regular but not compulsive exercise, especially yoga, being a part of a community of friends and family who accept, understand, and in some cases have some form of mental disorder, meditation, and doing activist work on behalf of people who live with mental disorders. Sounds like a lot, and I think if I had read that list when I was just approaching the diagnosis, I would have been overwhelmed. But really all it amounts to is a lifestyle that includes mindful self-care, as I believe anyone’s life should.
MARYBETH: I like how you say “non compulsive exercise”. Being a runner, I often run into spurts where I over do it. I push myself too hard. Have you experienced this in the past or are you just mindful that you are at risk of doing so?
MARYA: Yes, I’ve definitely struggled with compulsive exercise; I think for me that’s been product of both the eating disorder and, at other times, episodes of mania. I think the mania can contribute to that “I’m superhuman” feeling, but also contribute to a desire for that “high” (esp for runners, I expect). Wonder if there’s any research out there on this?? So, yes, these days I’m mindful that I run that risk, and keep myself in check.
CHRISTI:  If you came upon a young woman who was a young version of you, who had not taken any steps toward addressing her mental illness, what advice would you give her, after knowing what you do now and after all that you have gone through?
MARYA: I do come upon young women, and young men, in that situation. I say the same thing every time: Take your meds; accept the disorder; accept the need to manage it; stop fighting; and do whatever it takes for you to attain health and peace of mind, including holding onto hope, and believing in the possibility of health for yourself.
JEN: What’s the one thing you learned the most about yourself while writing this book?
MARYA: That above all the things I have gained through managing the illness and moving into recovery, the most precious to me was the ability to give back to the people I love, and hopefully to the world, in some small way.
MARYBETH: Believe me…it’s a way huge way!
MARYA: Thank you. Truly.
JEN: Besides the term Bipolar what’s a term you would use to describe the illness and why?
MARYA: Brain disease. Because that’s what it is. Just like any other illness of the biggest organ in the body, such as Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s, this is a physical disease that requires medical attention—and is due a great deal more research funding toward better and more effective treatment than it gets at this time.
MARYBETH: I’ve never actually thought about it in regards to Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s. Gives me a whole new perspective. Not to mention a whole new reason to hate the stigma!
JEN: Do you think in the future you’ll have quite as many trips to the hospital in such a short time as you have in the past? Why or why not?
MARYA: To my immense relief and surprise, I can report that I have not been hospitalized since 2007, the last episode described in Madness. A combination of factors have contributed to the onset of stability—improved response to medication, hard work in therapy, the addition of yoga and meditation to my healthcare regimen, and increasing acceptance of my disease, and, with that acceptance, greater willingness to keep an eye on symptoms and be aware of my state of mind, my needs for support, and my mental wellness overall.
MARYBETH: Congrats!!! My one and only hospitalization was in 2007 as well. Must have been the year for break downs. It was also the year I was diagnosed and finally accepted the fact that I wasn’t “just depressed”. Acceptance is definitely a huge part of healing and maintaining mental wellness!
MARYA: Congrats to you too! Acceptance is where it’s at, at least for me.
JEN: Why do you think Yoga works so well for you?
MARYA: Yoga is really just a form of meditation in movement, and neurological research has shown clearly that meditation has a dramatic impact on not only one’s psychological well-being, but actually changes the activity of the brain for the better over the long term. That, and yoga is just really good exercise, which has the emotional benefits we all know about.
JEN:  Is there anything you miss about your life before your bipolar was managed properly?
MARYA: People ask me this often, and I honestly have to say that the answer is no. The exhilaration of the old manias, which we all love for a while and in a way, was always accompanied by that horrific crash, which got worse and worse over time. So these days, instead of manic exhilaration, I have the wonderful experience of genuine happiness, joy, excitement—all those feelings that I chased when I chased mania before, because I thought mania was the only way I could get those feelings. Turns out I was wrong. A healthy, stable life brings me far more joy and excitement than mania ever did. Also, I truly believed my creativity stemmed from the illness, and I could only reach creative generation in an altered state of mind. Wrong there too. I produce vastly more, and vastly better, work when I’m healthy, because I have the stability to work consistently, and consistently strive to improve.
MARYBETH: How did you find new things to enjoy once you stopped drinking? Were you ever afraid you would be bored without it?
MARYA: This is a tricky thing, because when one decides to quit drinking, one has obviously reached a point—at least in a part of themselves—where they recognize that drinking isn’t fun anymore, isn’t working like they want it do and like it did at first, and is damaging them more than it is helping. So there’s already the suspicion there that drinking may never again provide that “enjoyment.” But one does feel the loss of the belief that it will one day work again, the idea stuck in the head that it’s the only source of enjoyment available to them. I absolutely faced this question when I got sober, even though I knew drinking was killing me and destroying my life—and was far from enjoyable. And I think almost everyone who sobers up faces this question. The thing is that one has to take on faith that real life—sober life—will allow them to really live—and real life does include a huge measure of enjoyment, fun, pleasure, and a true measure of satisfaction that was always missing when the substances were blocking it. Being sober is, frankly, far more fun than being drunk ever was. There were some great parties, sure—but these days, (drunk) partying seems really dull in comparison to true connection with friends one can make when one is healthy, the excitement of satisfying productivity, and the enjoyment of all the changes and new things that life brings. I had no idea when I got sober that I’d ever laugh again. Believe me, I laugh a hell of a lot more now.
JEN: Do you think Jeff is the main reason you got better or was it something you did for yourself or both?
MARYA: Oh boy. Jeff and I are no longer together, for reasons totally unrelated to my bipolar, or his depression. While he was an amazing support to me when I was very sick, he is also a human being, not a saint. Our relationship eventually revolved around my illness; when I was no longer ill, there was an enormous power imbalance that had to be corrected, and we had to see each other as simply people, rather than Sick Person and Savior. Ultimately, it was absolutely a combination of my own decision to take care of myself, and the support of all the people I love so much, that helped me toward health.
JEN:  What is the most difficult part of the illness for you?
MARYA: These days, very little. I’ve somehow come to a degree of acceptance that allows me to take symptoms in stride, and do what I need to get help or handle them. The hardest part, I think, is simply being part of a community of people that deals with such enormous, frustrating, absurd stigma. As a member of the larger community, I am angered by the lack of research funds, the inaccessibility of insurance and treatment, the lack of access to basic needs like housing and work—in short, the suffering that so many people go through when it is just not necessary.
MARYBETH: When you say community, do you mean online or actually a face to face community? I can’t imagine what it was like before online networking. Some days I think that it is solely the people I have met and connected with that keep me going!
MARYA: That’s fascinating to me—I have almost no interaction with an online community of people seeking mental wellness. My community is very much a face-to-face one, one I’ve been lucky enough to find and nurture over many years. I think I should tap into the online resources that are out there. Thanks for the tip.
MARYBETH: What was the defining moment where you decided “Shit, I’ve got to get a handle on this?”
MARYA: When I was hospitalized, coming in and out of psychosis, and a doctor said to me, very clearly, “If you don’t stop drinking, you will never, never be well.” That hit like a ton of bricks, and I realized that recovery for me was going to start there.
CHRISTI: How did you react?  We saw at the beginning of Madness your reaction to the book Wasted.  Was it different this time?  Why?
MARYA: It was very different this time. I was very at peace with the history that is covered in Madness—a hard story, but one I had had time to process and accept. It was also my third book, written at age 34, not my first, written at age 22. So I had a different take on the publishing world and its mercurial nature, as well as a different take on my own work. I liked the book, so I was ok with it going out. People reacted with enormous excitement—I was (and am) swamped with letters from people saying the story resonated strongly with their experience, whether they were people who dealt with mental illness themselves or whether their loved ones did; I heard from many people who just were curious about the subject, or who worked in the helping professions, who said it changed their perspective on mental illness and the people who had it; it was a really warm, human response from readers, and I was and am grateful for their feedback.
MARYBETH: How did people first react to Madness?  How about your family? Jeff?
MARYA: My family had a hard time with the book, though they were glad I wrote it; it was just that it contained information they hadn’t had before, and it told a hard story that they wished hadn’t been my experience. Jeff knew the whole book inside and out before it was published, so he wasn’t fazed.
MARYBETH: Also, were you somewhat embarrassed to bring certain parts of the book out into the open? My mother is trying to convince me to write a memoir. But I can only imagine what she would think of me if I actually confessed all the things I’ve done in my life! Did you ever feel that way?
MARYA: Absolutely I was concerned about how some of that material I disclosed would come off—much less concerned about how the great They would think of it, or me, and much more concerned about my family in general having to hear about some really challenging and unflattering situations. But it was critical to me that I get those things out there, so that people might be able to see what the disorder looks like when it is neither defiled nor prettied up. Know what I mean? I’m sure you do.
MARYBETH: You briefly mentioned some moments as a child where you recall some possible symptoms. Were those the only ones you remember, or are you able to list more? I know I have multiple stories from my youth.
MARYA: I couldn’t begin to count the number of memories I have of symptoms emerging in childhood and adolescence—the overall sensation of those memories, collectively, is a sense of terror and confusion, as if I was in a car that was hurtling along at warp speed all by itself, and I couldn’t get it to stop. That feeling was occasional, as a child, and then was nearly constant by the time I was an adult.
MARYBETH: Do you think that your financial situations (ie being poor, then well off, then poor again) contribute to your break downs or do you think the were a product of your break downs?
MARYA: Absolutely a product of my breakdowns. These days, I either have money or I don’t (the nature of being a writer), and it doesn’t seem to affect my mood, state of mind, or symptoms in any way. I just make the necessary lifestyle adjustments, and carry on. Also, I know better than to shop or make financial decisions when I’m experiencing any degree of mania or depression.
MARYBETH: You recently wrote a book called, “Sane”, can you tell us a little bit about it? What was your inspiration?
MARYA: Sane: Mental Illness, Addiction, and the Twelve Steps is a book I wrote for a couple of reasons, but primarily because I was and am so concerned about the lack of information and support that are out there for people who deal with both mental illness and addiction. There’s also a lack of understanding about the 12 Steps among people with MI, and a lack of understanding of MI among some 12 Step people. So I wanted to bridge the gap in understanding on both sides, as well as provide a companion for people with MI in their sobriety journey.
MARYBETH: What was the overall goal of writing madness? Was it just to write it and get the words out, or was it bigger than that?
MARYA: Had nothing to do with wanting to get the words out—had everything to do with wanting to contribute a perspective that I felt was useful to the larger social conversation on mental illness. I wanted there to be a book available to anyone that would open the door to the mind of someone with bipolar, so that there could be a more experiential understanding of the disorder, and less a sense of bipolar as ‘Other’ or strange or etc etc etc. In short, I wrote it for the same reason I write almost anything: because I think it can be useful to someone in some way.
MARYBETH: You are a gianormous inspiration to me and our authors. Who was your inspiration?
MARYA: Thank you. That’s incredibly kind. My inspirations are truly the people in my life, who live in such beautiful, thoughtful, self-challenging, self-respecting, creative, generous ways that I am unceasingly amazed. My friends, my family, my students, and the many readers whose paths I am lucky enough to cross i all amaze me with their strength, laughter, and capacity for love. I get to see people heal themselves, heal each other, and grow in hope every day. How could I help but be inspired?
Thank you so much for taking the time to ask these questions. I am grateful to you!
MARYBETH: And we are grateful to have you!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marya Hornbacher is the author of the Pulitzer-Prize nominated book Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia, the acclaimed novel The Center of Winter, and the New York Times Bestseller Madness: A Bipolar Life, as well as a book about addiction and mental illness, Sane: Mental Health, Addiction, and the Twelve Steps. Her newest book, Waiting: A Nonbeliever’s Higher Power will be released by Hazelden Books in June. An award-winning journalist and mental health advocate, Hornbacher’s work has been translated into sixteen languages. She lectures nationally on writing, addiction, and mental health, and teaches at Northwestern University.

“Soon madness has worn you down. It’s easier to do what it says than argue. In this way, it takes over your mind. You no longer know where it ends and you begin. You believe anything it says. You do what it tells you, no matter how extreme or absurd. If it says you’re worthless, you agree. You plead for it to stop. You promise to behave. You are on your knees before it, and it laughs.”
― Marya Hornbacher, Madness: A Bipolar Life

“Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You’re frightened, and you’re frightening, and you’re “not at all like yourself but will be soon,” but you know you won’t.”

-Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

By CHRISTINE STAPLETON

“This” has been coming on for a few weeks. It’s been creeping up on me so it was no surprise this morning when I woke up and said “uncle – game over.” I have reached a tipping point and the depression is now ahead.

I sent my boss an email and told him I would not be in today – maybe the rest of the week. I called my psych nurse – which I hardly ever do – and she said she thought it could be the generic antidepressant I’m taking. She prescribed the brand name and $152 later, we shall see if she is right.

I went back to bed. When I got up, I had slept 15 of 17 hours. I could have slept more but I dragged myself out of bed. I know the longer I lay in a dark room the worse this will be. Prone is the enemy.

I am going to try to describe that it feels like when the depression becomes debilitating. First, I am tired. It is a consuming exhaustion. All my muscles, especially those in my face feel slack. The back of my eyeballs ache. Everything – my thinking especially – is thick and heavy. It feels like you are living underwater and every movement requires effort. Life feels relentless. I just want to sit here and stare off into space, or sleep.

Driving back from the pharmacy I told myself, “this is not real. This is a chemical imbalance in your brain. This will not last. This is not what your life is about. You will feel better.”

I don’t feel any better. That’s the problem with antidepressants. You have no idea how long it will take for them to kick in or if they will ever kick in – which sucks.

My dog needs a walk and I do not want to walk him. I want to go back to bed. But I have to walk him and this is a good thing. Thank God for that mutt. I know I need to get up and move. So does he.

After that, I am going to the gym. Frankly, I would rather pluck my eyebrows with a pair of pliers because everything feels futile right now. But I know this is the right thing to do. In my last major depression – the big one 8 years ago – I went to the gym everyday. It got me out of the house and even though they were fairly lame workouts, I did them – alone – but I did them.

I’m heading out the door now. It’s time to go. I really feel like crap but it’s time to go. Time to go.

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/depression/2013/04/depression-sucks-period-exclamation-point/

Putting People in the Bipolar Driver’s Seat

By Bob Carolla, NAMI Director of Media Relations


Bipolar disorder affects more than 10 million Americans. More than one-half of all cases begin between the ages 15 to 25. The condition includes high and low mood swings between mania and depression. Energy levels and the ability to think clearly become unstable. Symptoms can lead to high-risk behavior or damage personal, school, work or financial relationships.

Bipolar disorder can be successfully treated, but because there is no cure, treatment must be continuous. People living with the illness are responsible for management of their condition, but success depends on a partnership with a psychiatrist or other providers.

Charles Bowden, M.D., clinical professor of psychiatry and pharmacology at the University of Texas (UT) Health Science Center at San Antonio, is one of the nation’s leading medical experts on bipolar. In 2006, he received NAMI’s prestigious Scientific Research Award.  Bowden will present a session on bipolar disorder at the upcoming NAMI National Convention in San Antonio this June with other UT participants, including professors Joni Gonzalez Arnold, Ph.D. and Vivek Singh, M.D.

Bowden’s research has helped define the symptoms and biology of bipolar disorder, and he has contributed major new understandings about the effectiveness of mood-stabilizing drugs.

The understanding and science of bipolar disorder continues to evolve and understanding the latest treatments, from a research perspective and a practical intervention perspective, is important. “If we remain limited to the knowledge we had 20 years ago, or even 10 years ago, we will be simply inadequately addressing the needs of [individuals] with this common, severe disease,” said Bowden in an interview with the American Psychiatri Association at a recent APA Conference.

The results of  Bowden’s research has helped inform the current understanding of combining treatments as potentially preferable to “monotherapy” medication treatments in the treatment plans of some with bipolar disorder.  For example, there is renewed insight into understanding the significant role of depression, not just mania, in both bipolar I and II disorders. A renewed understanding that bipolar disorder can be stabilized from either the manic symptom side or the depressive symptom side has been an additional revelation from Bowden’s work.

Bowden’s research has long sought to put people living with bipolar disorder in the driver’s seat, along with family members, in managing the condition. His approach emphasizes living well and anticipating both positive and negative developments that affect mood stability. Besides medication, self-awareness and educational counseling is part of the treatment strategy—involving a focus on lifestyle factors such as sleep time, exercise, keeping stress manageable, and avoiding or coping with major destabilizing life experiences.

At the NAMI National Convention, June 27 to 30, partnership will be the focus of Bowden’s session, "Co-Managing Recovery and Bipolar: Establishing Solid Relationships with Your Provider." The session will be held Sat., June 29 at 9:15 a.m.

The night before, a special session, "I’m Not Sick; I Don’t Need Help: Understanding Anognosia," led by Dr. Xavier Amador, will be held about how a mental illness such as bipolar disorder can lead to lack of insight—such that a person to fail to recognize that they are sick. The topic has implications for Bowden’s partnership approach, which depends on self-awareness for either self- or co-management. Together, the two sessions raise important perspectives for an individual’s journey to recovery.

Beer, Gatorade and Dopamine: How the alcoholic brain works

By Christine Stapleton

A friend sent me an article this weekend about a study done by the Indiana Alcohol Research Center at Indiana University: “Taste of beer, without effect of alcohol, triggers dopamine release in the brain.”
“Using positron emission tomography, or PET, the researchers tested 49 men with two scans, one in which they tasted beer and the second in which they tasted Gatorade. They were looking for evidence of increased levels of dopamine, a brain neurotransmitter. The scans showed significantly more dopamine activity following the taste of beer than the sports drink. Moreover, the effect was significantly greater among participants with a family history of alcoholism.”
Research has already linked dopamine to drug and alcohol use but apparently this is the “first experiment in humans to show that the taste of an alcoholic drink alone, without any intoxicating effect from the alcohol, can elicit this dopamine activity in the brain’s reward centers,” said David A. Kareken, Ph.D., professor of neurology at the IU School of Medicine and the deputy director of the Indiana Alcohol Research Center.
How did they do this study: Forty-nine men tasted their preferred beer and Gatorade.  Small amounts of the beer and Gatorade were sprayed into the their mouths. The amounts were so small – 15 milliliters over 15 minutes – that the men could taste the beer without causing a detectable blood-alcohol level.
Here’s the really interesting part for us alcoholics: “The stronger effect in participants with close alcoholic relatives suggests that the release of dopamine in response to such alcohol-related cues may be an inherited risk factor for alcoholism, Dr. Kareken said.” Results of the study were published online Monday by the journal Neuropsychopharmacology, the official publication of the American College of Neuropsychopharmacology.
Here’s the really interesting part for for us women alcoholics: The study wasn’t done on women. Maybe the results would be the same. However, 54-years on this planet has taught me that  a woman’s brain work differently than a man’s brain.
Could you do the study again on women and perhaps using Chardonnay and hot chocolate? Or champagne and  lemonade?
I have to wonder how much of a role psychology played in this study. For a man, his favorite beer is likely to evoke memories of steak on the barbecue or watching the Green Bay Packers crush the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XLV (Go Packers!). I know that released some dopamine in my brain. Gatorade, on the other hand, reminds me of sweat, a pounding heart and getting my ass kicked at spin class. An endorphin rush, yes, but dopamine? I think not.
Spray some chardonnay in the back of my throat (which isn’t going to happen because I’ve been sober almost 15 years), and I’m going to think a candle-light bath with Billie Holiday singing  in the background. Spritz some champagne in my mouth and I’m going to think wedding toasts and New Year’s Eve.
So, what I’m wondering is…couldn’t the memory of a taste associated with a pleasant or unpleasant event skew the results?
I’m an alcoholic but beer was not my preferred libation of choice – although I did train my dog to jump up and grab a lime off our lime tree for my Corona. I can sit here, too, and get a rush thinking about sipping hot chocolate high in the mountains while taking a break from skiing.
I don’t know if any of this really matters. It’s just something that’s been bugging me since I read about this study. I’m still a recovered alcoholic no matter.
The important thing is that there are researchers out there trying to figure out how the brains of addicts and alcoholics work – research that has been overlooked for many, many years. So God bless the researchers who did this study. Keep at it. Maybe someday you can figure out what causes these terrible illnesses.
In the meantime, Go Packers!

This article was written by Christine Stapleton and can be found here:   http://blogs.psychcentral.com/depression/2013/04/beer-gatorade-and-dopamine-how-and-alcoholics-brain-works/

Two Minute Bipolar Roller Coaster

Love you, bacon. Thank you.

Feeling disabled by bipolar & anxiety

No Regrets

I'd rather trust and regret than doubt and regret.
-- Rei Kawahara

This.

This.

"Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts"

Moving On

I'm moving my blog! yay! and i would love to take you with me. so email me at:

dgracehall@gmail.com

and I will send you the new link. hope to see you there!


*Bailey- I sent you an email to your yahoo account. if you didn't get it just email me. =)

Oh no! Gaaah!

I hate bipolar disorder.

I woke up this morning feeling awesome. A few days ago I tripped over Molly's doggie bed (Grace much?) and fell on my left side. I was on the way out to my therapy appt. so I didn't really stop long to investigate how hurt I was. Went to the appt for an hour and when I left I took the stairs (have to get some exercise somehow!) and OMG I was in so much pain. Something about the muscles used to go downstairs?? Anyway, I limped out to the car and headed home, only to be in more pain! The Mini is a stick shift and wasn't helping my knee feel any better! argghh!

Made it home and went right to bed. The last couple of days have been spent in bed - poor me ..ha - and it was nice other than the pain. Read books, did Sudokus, and played Ruzzle. yay me! Woke up this morning feeling awesome! I didn't care who went to my blog and wasn't going to look. I was going to get on with my life, do stuff around the house. Finish my f***ing 4th step, spend time with Molly...I was feeling so good! Jumped out of bed ready for the day and noticed on my phone that my artist friend was online.

I hadn't heard from him in a while so I said hello. We chatted a little bit, not much at all. Now here is where my stupid bipolar messes with me. I sensed that he wasn't very talkative or wasn't being his usual self so naturally I internalized it and got out of the convo quickly. Then....guess what I did. Yep, I cried. WTF ever?!?!?!

Then I remembered that about 2 wks ago, someone came to my blog from Lafayette, Indiana. He doesn't live in Lafayette, but I don't know anyone who does. lol So I began to think these thoughts...

omg he knows i'm bipolar and that's why he's acting differently and he doesn't know and now he does and he won't want to be friends with me and i hate being bipolar and people are judging me now and i take my meds so i don't act like i used to but why is it people judge me so much and i bet he's never going to talk to me again now and that sucks cos i really like him and i'll miss him and i'm tired of people leaving me and i must suck for people to do that and no bipolar sucks and i'm always going to have it and i will always have to take meds the rest of my life and what are the long term effects of that and omg my life sucks and i'm never going to feel any way but this way and i'm never going to have any friends because once i tell them i'm bipolar they won't want to be friends with me and omg i never told him i was bipolar and now he knows and probably wonders why i never told him and......

..and just shoot me!

I clearly do not know how to handle things. Started looking around the web for bipolar articles. Went to bacon's blog (again!) and reread her guest blogger. I like that he's a guy and can share from a male perspective about being bipolar. Went to his blog and poked around. He has lots of interesting bits of info there. While I was there, I found this:

The Symptoms Of Bipolar:

• Noticeable changes in sleep patterns, such as insomnia or oversleeping
• A drop in ones school grades or frequent absences from school
• Unusual complaints of tiredness or apathy
• Over sensitivity to rejection or defeat <~~~~~~~
• An unusual increase in grumpiness, aggression, or anger
• Social detachment
• Reckless behavior
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Difficulty getting along with others
• Outbursts of shouting or crying
• A waning interest in friends and activities
• Self-injurious behavior or talk of suicide
• Trouble concentrating

Ya think? I could bold and enlarge everyone one of those, but today, that one is causing me the most problem. I went from being in a state of gratitude and acceptance to full-blown paranoia and feelings of sadness and rejection in like minutes.

Here's the thing. Maybe he went to my blog and maybe he didn't. I don't know. But I assume things and then let my assumptions dictate my emotions. And here's the other thing. SO WHAT?! So what if he did go to my blog and now knows I'm bipolar and doesn't want to talk to me. So what?! (I'm not on any level saying this happened. He's an awesome person so I doubt he would respond this way.) But let's say, hypothetically, that it happened. What can I do about it? Nothing.

Like I mentioned in my last post, things that happen suck sometimes. Life is not fair. But I am not unique in the things that happen to me. We all have to experience some kind of bad juju while we're here. And there is absolutely NOTHING any of us can do about things that have happened in the past. The best we can do is learn from it and move forward and, if we are having trouble moving forward, get some professional help.

So today, I'm kind of pissed. Pissed at myself for jumping to that horrible place where everyone hates me and because of that I'm going to feel really sad and let it ruin my day. The difference for me, today, is realizing that that is probably not the case at all, it's my bipolar talking. That is HUGE for me. In the past, I would have probably texted him back and confronted him and it would have been a big thing. Instead, we had a nice convo, and it was good to talk to him. But....it makes me sometimes confused about what is the right thing to do and what isn't. When should I leave something alone and when should I confront. Is wanting to confront part of my bipolar or is confronting a good thing in this particular situation. There have been so many times I have picked up my phone, punched in the letters and then just stared at it, not knowing if I should send the message or not. So far, I haven't. But should I?  Is my need to say something or not say something .... where is it coming from? Things most people do without any problem, I feel the need to question. ugh.

Anyway, because I have some tools at my disposal, I can start my day over. I can acknowledge what just happened and not make it a big deal or about me. I can follow my paranoid thinking to the end...like what if it was true, what is the worst that can happen...and realize that there's nothing I can do about it. And I can realize that no matter what happens, I can live with that. Life doesn't end just because someone doesn't like me.

I'm very grateful today for Lamictal and for knowledge and education and tools. I'm glad I know that what I'm feeling is the effects of being bipolar and not of anything that actually happened. I still feel the heaviness inside. My energy level is waning. But I don't have to let it define me today. I am going to do what I know to do and fight as much as I can. Not sure who will win but I am sure that I am going to fight like a warrior!

Thanks for reading. Wish me luck! lol

<3 

New Pair of Glasses

Being the victim can feel very comfortable. Playing that role can become second nature after a while. Based on things that have happened in the past, regardless of what they are, can put us squarely into that role.

I am a victim because:

My Mom died when I was young,  I had to watch her die of cancer.

My father abused me when I was young. 

My sister broke into my house and stole from me.

My heart was broken.

I am bipolar.

I have no family.

I'm an alcoholic.

All of the above statements are true. They give me plenty of opportunities to feel like a victim. To feel like the world owes me or YOU owe me, to expect someone to "fix" me. But what that does is make me feel less than and keeps me stuck in a "poor me" state of mind. Always looking for someone to come along and make me feel better.

Wouldn't it be awesome if I could say instead:

My Mom died when I was young and I had the privilege of taking care of her until she died. That experience taught me to value every day of life.

My father abused me when I was young and although it was a horrifying event, I learned that all life should be treated with dignity and respect.

My sister broke into my house and stole from me and it has effected my ability to trust people. I learned from that experience that my possessions are not what define me and to pray for those who try to hurt me because they are hurting more.

My heart was broken and it took me a long time to feel worthy of love after that. I learned that some people are incapable of real love by no fault of their own and that I am a strong person who deserves the best of love.

I am bipolar and I don't like being bipolar at all. I continue to struggle with acceptance. But it has taught me how to be tenacious and the willingness to be open-minded in my tenacity to learn more about the disease. And it's provide me with the opportunity to meet some amazing people.

I have no family and sometimes I feel lonely and sad about that. I've realized that death is a part of life and I am not the only one who will look up one day and realize they are without their family of origin. It has pushed me to be compassionate towards others in similar situations and taught me how to create a new family in the people I meet.

I am an alcoholic.....in recovery for many years. I have learned to live in a way that makes life so much better than it ever has been, if I will use the principles I have been taught.

It's all in how I think about things. I am not a victiim at all unless I choose to think like one. If I think and act like a victim, there are plenty of people out in the world who are more than willing to take advantage of that. Even more reason NOT to be one. The choice is up to me.

I'm not minimizing the things life has sent my way. It's been tough. But I have learned from every experience. God must know how hard-headed I can be because he sent me lessons I had to learn through my own experiences.  God - I'd like to be done now!!

    <3 <3 <3

Change of Seasons with a Side of Depression

I'm not really feeling like blogging very much for various reasons. That's why I've been posting little pics and stuff. Was feeling a little bit manic (just the right amount in my opinion) but now I'm exhausted and tired and crashing from it. I feel a little bitty bit of the blues heading my direction. Maybe it won't be so bad.

Was supposed to go to True/False Film Fest today but didn't make it. Not a good sign when I start calling off of things. Managed to get up and go to the lesson at church. Today's lesson was on the history of the Episcopal church. Kind of cool really.The lessons end on Easter and then, if I decide I want to, I'll be confirmed into the Episcopal Church. Weird really. I've never been very big on organized religion. But this feels right for some unknown reason.

Friday I go to my psych or pdoc or drug doc or whatever. I've thought about calling to see if I could get in sooner like a bunch of times, but now that it's Friday I don't see the point. We'll see how the next few days go.

March. What a strange month. I can't believe it's already March again. Winter with a hint of Spring. Such a tease - March.


<3

To This Day Project - Shane Koyczan

We Are Stars

Hope with a Side of Cheese

Have Faith...and Courage

Surround Yourself with Good

"Mental illness can no longer be stigmatized as we hide our heads in the sand. Let's recognize that when well managed, symptoms can provide the color and nuance to our lives and shame has no place. In fact, many creative geniuses do their best work when depressed, because feeling down calls for action as we seek to change a reality that is pulling us down. Instead of ignoring the cries for help of those afflicted with mental illness, let's provide more comprehensive tools to help our communities cope. Like everything else, it takes a village, one I am proud to be a part of. The first step will be revisiting our society's outlook on mental illness. As Pat Sr. proclaims to his son, "Let me tell ya. You gotta pay attention to the signs. When life reaches out with a moment like this it's a sin if you don't reach back." Mehmet Oz, M.D.

I love that quote. "You gotta pay attention to the signs." I could have saved myself a ton of heartache if I had just paid attention to the signs.

This blog has been a mishmash of everything. I think, in order for it to go forward, like me, it has to change. I'm not sure what it will become...like me, again. It seems to reflect what state I'm in, and for several months now, I've been in a state of trying to figure out exactly what I want and who do I want to be. I mean, not in a real woo woo way, but just what do I want my life to look like. I put my proverbial eggs all in one basket and then the basket broke. So now what...

I'm still not sure. But I know I don't want to continue this blog as it is. Enough already with the reflecting. Of course, if you know me at all, you know I'll always do that to a degree. Bipolar and recovery are very integral part of who I am. But I don't want to be defined by that. I need to figure out what I do want to share here.

Like, I could share my life but it is sort of boring. Or I could blog on my 5k goals. Also boring and in this cold...nonexistent. Cooking? Always a bit of a disaster but maybe that would be fun. lol Movies maybe. I love going and I could talk about them ad nausea.

So I don't really know what the next step will be. I would like it to take on some kind of focus and not be about me and relationships as much. They come and go and really, so what. Relationships start and relationships end. Get over it! (said to myself!)

I hope to change things up here in the near future. I know it needs to happen. I'm just not sure how yet. I might try out a few things. See how they feel. Maybe something will just click in and I'll continue with it. It has to feel right. I want to feel passionate about writing it. Otherwise, why do it? Passion. I love passion. I love passionate people. I want to feel passionate about something again...about life. hmm.....maybe I could write on my own search for passion. We'll see...

Earlier today, I went to lunch with my friend Sara. We were talking about her business (she owns a hair salon) and she's revamping some things. Change is good but can be scary. I'm excited for her. Anyway, she asked about merchandising and I was like...hell to the yeah! I'm all over it! Then we were talking about having to hire and fire and just team building things. Next thing I know, I'm talking about all the people I've had to fire..erm...let go...in my former jobs. It's a hard thing to do. And people hate change, at least at first. But at some point, people either have to get on board with the changes or they need to find another ride. But I could feel myself get really excited talking about that.

I used to be a Human Resources manager. It's a tough job but I'm very good at it. There are ways to keep morale up without balloons and stupid games. But I find one of the biggest morale zappers is having one or two people on the team that are negative and naysayers. Always coming up with reasons something isn't going to work or undermining the rest of the team. Not carrying their own weight. They need a come to Jesus talk! lol Either get on board or get out.

See? I felt passion today talking about that stuff. I love it. LOVE.IT. Love bringing people together to make stuff happen.

So who knows. I know that's a passion of mine, but what to do with it? I dunno. Maybe pray about it? hmmm.....lol  More will always be revealed. <3

Great Pain, Great Strength

I love the idea of working with what we're given. Bacon blogged here about the importance of taking care of ourselves and being gentle. I love this post. Take a few mins and read it here.

I've struggled a lot with being bipolar. From being in denial to being angry about it to refusing to take my meds to just being completely confused. I hated being depressed and I still do. Tonight, for no apparently reason, I just started crying.

In the past when this would happen I would think my world was ending. Tonight, I knew what it was and I just sat here and cried while I continued to work on what I was working on. That is progress for me. I didn't fight it. I didn't want to break anything. And I didn't blame god or the universe for it. I just cried.

I might cry again tomorrow. I don't know how long this will last. But at least today I know what it is...and what it isn't. It isn't the end of the world. At least not tonight.

I have felt a lot of emotions about being bipolar. Shame. Guilt. Shame. Guilt. Yep. I think the hardest is when I feel like I'm letting people down when I can't leave the house. I hate that I don't feel confident enough to work outside the home. Not that I don't have the ability, but that, because of my moods, I know there will be days when I just can't go to work. I also hate the days I can't get out of bed or I can't brush my hair. Along with that, I hate when I know other people are judging me and think I'm a hot mess or a loser because of that. It effects my self-esteem. And it's embarrassing. If it happens to be someone I care about who is judging me, it really sucks.

But....I know I'm not a loser. Today, I don't allow myself to spend much time with people who I think are judging me harshly or making me feel in a negative way about myself. You're either with me, or not. I know, today, that I am doing the very best I can do. I am learning to live with bipolar. One day at a time. I know that sounds like a cliche, but it's the truth for me today.

As much as it hurts, and as disappointing and sad as it has been, I have made a decision to walk away from people who cause me pain, who judge me, and make no effort to understand me and be supportive. That makes my circle of friends rather small. But the ones I have are absolutely amazing. And because they stood by me and chose to see my potential rather than my limitations (of which there are very few..lol) they have a friend for life in me.

Please don't think I am saying bipolar isn't difficult. It can be. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Will I be up and manic or will I be in the depths of dispair? Or will I stay in this middle place a bit longer? I don't know. I do know, no matter what tomorrow brings, it will only be temporary. I just have to hang onto that and know I'm not alone.

<3

Matchmaker Update

bacon! i just spoke to my friend and he wants to send an email with pics! as soon  as i get it, i'll forward to you. he's so funny. i love thay man! (not like that!) lol

sorry peeps. had to share

Snow in MO

OMG! It WAS almost Spring! Last week it was 60! Now a foot of snow! Welcome to Missourah!

It's 12:58 so my birthday is officially over. yay! I feel a blog post coming but not tonight. Tonight is for .... lots of thoughts running around in my head in some weird, incohesive manner. If I tried to blog now, it would be so all over the place you'd need a road map to read it.

Night all.

Feeling a little bit melancholy tonight. I played around with my blog music tonight. Edited out a few songs. I love every song on my list now. Some make me smile, others make me cry, some make me hopeful, a few make me be in love, some just make me want to dance!

I guess life is like that, too. Probably why I love music so much. There are times of great heartache and disillusionment...and of great joy and happiness. They each have their place in teaching us how to be human and to be better than we currently are.

I've learned how resilient we really are. A few times lately I've thought I was going under. Tonight I just feel incredibly grateful for everything that has happened in the past year. I've grown more than I ever thought possible. I'm a better person because of it all. I'm more compassionate, more caring, more open. I've experienced the full range of human emotion. And I feel more alive and hopeful than ever.

Sure, I still feel anger. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to someone who wasn't good for me. I should have gotten out sooner. But I did it when I was ready. And I learned that I am capable of great huge love. And that's an awesome thing to be capable of. I just need to love me that much, too.

So glad it's a new year. This year holds great promise and potential. I'm excited about it! And I'm enjoying this day of "middle ground" and not high or low. Just an awesome inner peace that comes from knowing that everything is exactly as it should be at this moment in my life. No regrets. I wish there had been a way I could have learned these lessons that didn't involve emotional pain. But there wasn't. So I'll take the lessons, tuck them away for future use, and go on with my beauty, wonderful life. So much to learn! So much to do!

Big hugs <3